You’re Either Part of the Problem or All of the Problem or You Could Be the Solution. Or a Chemical Mixture. I Never Really Understood Science. Or Math.
So, it’s finally come to this – a bittersweet day on which I have decided to make a confession of a deep, dark secret that I’ve been hiding for months.
I decided to “come out” finally as a service to my readers who may be experiencing this same issue. It helps to know that you’re not alone. At least, it helps if you’re selfish like me and are comforted by the fact that others are suffering along with you. And if there are no readers experiencing this same issue, then I guess I am alone. And that kind of bites, but oh well. I’m sure you have your own ways of suffering.
So, here’s the thing. I now have over 1000 subscribers. Woohoo. I mean, awesome, right?
But less people read my blog per day now than they did a month after I started. Two years ago. A lot less.
Basically, let’s say I used to have 30 or 40 daily readers out of every 50 subscribers.
Now I still have about 30 or 40 readers.
Okay, so, somehow I managed to miss having to take Statistics in college, but I’m pretty sure that a graph of my numbers would look equivalent to one reflecting the success of Lindsay Lohan’s career over the last decade.
And I have way more fun and talent than Lindsay Lohan, so that hardly seems like a fair comparison.
Upon reflection, I’ve decided that the reason for this preposterous report of my readership could have one of the following causes:
Uno.) 99% of my blog subscribers are spammers who don’t actually read anyone’s blog, but apparently make tons of money off of pretending they do.
B.) Jon Stewart is screwing up my blog stats on purpose so I will spend less time blogging and more time
stalking writing love letters to him.
III.) WordPress hates me.
Four.) People read one post, and think that I am fabulous, then realize that my writing sucks and stop reading. But they are too lazy to unsubscribe.
Quintuplets.) The only people who are able to stumble across my blog are the ones who search for it by typing in, “my pants won the spelling bee?” And, let’s face it, usually the shoes win the spelling bee, not the pants.
Obviously it’s B.
Now I have to think of a solution. Certainly, I cannot allow Jon Stewart to completely change my life – unless there is some kind of financial profit involved on my part. In the meantime, I must keep blogging, if only to prove that I can persevere through these difficult and trying times of unsatisfactory blog statistics.
If Jon Stewart is deliberately tanking your statistics, too, then I suggest you look to me as a role model and follow my lead in this. Don’t stop blogging. And don’t devote any more time than usual to
stalking sending him communications of an admiring yet somewhat admonishing-him-for-not-paying-any-attention-to-you nature. Trust me; it doesn’t work.
As Dory from Finding Nemo says, “Just keep blogging and stop looking at your stupid blog stats because either Jon Stewart, the NSA, or terrorists are screwing them up.”
Or something like that.
205 people visited my blog yesterday. OMG! That’s like a record! Woohoo!
Oh, it would be a record if it were true. Well, it is true. But it’s not the entire truth.
So, I have a confession to make. I have another blog. It’s not that I don’t think you’re enough for me. You are really my life. I swear. The other blog means nothing. Really.
I mean, really. It’s my “Control Blog”. I’ve kind of been watching to compare the difference between a blog that I actually spend a couple of hours a day on and a blog I spend about fifteen minutes a day on. We’re talking 500 word hysterically funny (in my mind) posts 7 days a week versus 50 word (professionally mundane) posts five times a week.
Control Blog has been averaging about 10 hits a day. It has 42 followers now. So, imagine my surprise yesterday when I checked the stats on Control Blog and saw 199 hits at 6 PM. Imagine my chagrin when I checked the stats on this blog, the one I’ve coddled and spoiled rotten with attention to comments and followers, and saw it had 36 hits. I’m not going to tell you my usual stats, but let’s just say it’s less than 199 and a whole lot more than 36.
According to the Control Blog Stats, 2 people got there through a link on Google, and 12 people were “referred” by searches. That means, uh, I don’t know, subtract this and that, multiply why whatever, and you get a lot of people who just went straight to my home page, if I’m interpreting my stats correctly. No one referred them or told them to go there. They just landed on my site by randomly typing in an address they’d never heard before.
If you’re a loyal reader, then you know that I have a little problem with people suddenly paying attention to me when I wasn’t really trying to get their attention.
If you’re a loyal reader, then thanks for being one of the 36.
And, no, I’m not telling you the name of the Control Blog, Traitor.