You Can Probably Get the Gist of this By Just Reading the Last Letter

I would like to thank all of the people of the world for their lovely alternative visual interpretations of the word “package” that I found in yet another Google search that induced temporary blindness.
photo credit: kairin via photopin cc

In Which I Write a Very Assertive Letter

Dear Amazon,

I recently checked the status of my orders, and noticed that one of them is labelled as “Delivered” even though I have not received it.  It is order number 123456782, and I would like to know how to rectify this situation.  This item is meant to be a Christmas gift, and can only be purchased online.  My daughter will be completely heartbroken if this present is not under the tree, and I will hold you personally responsible for the miserable day our entire family will experience while she cries her eyes out after realizing this gift is missing.  I do not understand how you can label a package as having been delivered when it clearly was NOT delivered.  What kind of shady organization are you running over there?

An Extremely Disappointed,

Mrs. Cap’n Firepants

In Which Amazon, Obviously Fearful of My Wrath, Responds

Hello, Mrs. Cap’n Firepants:

I’m sorry this package never arrived and you had to contact us. I completely understand your disappointment. That’s definitely not what we want our customers to experience.

At this point, we can only presume that the package was lost during shipping. I sincerely apologize for this.

We do our best to ensure that all orders leave our fulfillment centers as soon as possible to be delivered within the delivery date estimated when you place your order, but occasionally a shipment may be lost by circumstances beyond our control.

I’m forwarding your experience with USPS  to our shipping department–I know they’ll want to hear about your experience. We’re aware that our choice of delivery services reflects on our business as a whole, and we appreciate your feedback.

I’ve checked your order and see the item was ordered from DIP ‘N DIVE , a seller on our website. Because DIP ‘N DIVE ‘s inventory is constantly changing, we can’t replace items sold by them that are Fulfilled by Amazon.

I’ve requested a refund of $9.02 to your Credit card.

You’ll see the refund on your Master Card statement in the next 2-3 business days.

As this was an inconvenience caused to you while shopping at Amazon.com, I’d suggest you to place the new order with One-day shipping and write back to us with the order number so that we’ll either waive of or refund the shipping charges on the new order.

Please make sure that you place an order with Amazon or any seller which is labeled as, “Fulfilled by Amazon”, so that we can modify or make any further changes to the order. If you place the order with any third party seller then we won’t be able to change the shipping charges on the order.

If we can be of further assistance, you can reply directly to this e-mail.

Thanks for your patience and understanding. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

Thank you for your inquiry.

Best Regards,

A.J.

In Which I Lose My Online Shopping Privileges

Dear Amazon,

Thank you for your prompt and considerate response regarding my $9 purchase.  Wow, you guys are quick.

So, I was wondering, hypothetically, how you would feel if I mentioned that, right before I received your apology and promise of a refund PLUS free, one-day shipping, I walked into my closet, and found the package to which I was referring sitting on one of my shelves?  And, hypothetically,  I wondered at that moment how the heck U.S.P.S. got into the corner of my closet without me having to even sign anything.  And I then remembered that I was the one who put the package on my shelf because I wanted to hide it from my daughter, and I also remembered telling myself at the time not to forget that I had put the package on the shelf.  “But it’s right there next to your box of bras, so of course you aren’t going to forget,” I chided myself.  Because I do wear a bra every day.  And it sat there for 6 days until I happened to notice that my Amazon account said it was delivered.  And it obviously wasn’t.  But it was.  And I thought about saying that my husband must have picked up the package and stuck it on my side of the closet without telling me.  But that didn’t make a lot of sense.  Because he never goes in my side of the closet.  And, somewhat more to the point, surely, after 6 days of retrieving bras from my bra box I would have noticed there was a package standing right next to it.  That I had not put there.  But I did not notice it.  Even though I put it there.  Which was a better hiding place, in my estimation, than the refrigerator, which really only works for small things that are not sensitive to cold.  So, there you go.  Hypothetically, of course.  Just wondering what you would do in that situation.

Thanks for your patience and understanding. I look forward to seeing(?) you again soon, too.  As long as you are not a stalker.

Amazon Rocks!

Your very loyal customer,

Mrs. Cap’n Firepants

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