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Working Out with Wonderbutt

You’re not supposed to play tug-of-war with your dog.  Don’t ask me why.  I heard someone say it once – probably the Dog Whisperer.  Or maybe it was a nun.  They tend to give frequent mandates on avoiding any type of fun.

Other than snoring and farting, tug-of-war is the only thing Wonderbutt loves to do for an extended period of time.  Since he needs to lose 1/3 of his body weight just to be considered “slightly rotund,” I feel like the least we can do is let him spend twenty minutes a day on his favorite form of exercise.

Lately, Wonderbutt has begun to confuse my exercise time with his exercise time.  Now, as soon as I am five minutes into doing Tae Bo, Wonderbutt wakes up from a heavy snore, and races into the bedroom, completely ready to exercise too.  His way of communicating that he is eager for action is to try to hump my leg as soon as I fling it out for a Tae Bo side-kick.  When I finally shake him off,  he looks momentarily confused, then leaps onto his rope toy and pitches it into my face just in case I have any doubts as to his intentions.  (Which I kind of do, since he was just trying to hump me.)

Wonderbutt is not a fetch dog.   He wants to be chased, and if you don’t feel like playing that game, then he wants nothing to do with you; he will forlornly drag his rope toy back to his bed, and put his head on his paws, sighing in disappointment at your laziness.  Or,  you can get down on the floor and start growling at him.  Then he is more than happy to prance over to you with his toy, dangling it in your face, leaping backwards every time you reach for the rope, and growling viciously.  So, by now, you’ve broken about 100 Dog Whisperer rules, including putting yourself on the same level as the dog, sticking your face in his, and encouraging him to growl at you.

But the dog is exercising.

For the most part.

The only part of Wonderbutt’s body that never gets fatigued is his jaw.  After about three minutes of tug-of-war, the rest of his body gives out.  Then, he clamps down on that rope for dear life while I drag him throughout the house, which is a bit rough on the carpeting, but works quite well on the concrete floors in the living room.  (I am seriously considering attaching Swiffer Dusters to his sides.)

After being dragged for a couple of minutes, Wonderbutt gets his second wind (after releasing four or five of his own), and leaps back to his feet to resume play.

I started to complain about Wonderbutt regularly interrupting my Tae Bo – until I realized that I couldn’t catch my breath the last time I played tug-of-war with him.

I thought I was doing him a favor, but wouldn’t it be funny if he thinks he’s the one helping me out?

Tug of War

Preparing for his drag technique - completely oblivious to the effects of rug burn

Preparing for his Drag Technique – completely oblivious to the effects of carpet burn

I Can’t Imagine Why He Hasn’t Lost Any Weight

Think you’re good at doing push-ups?  Try doing them with a barbell in your mouth.

Wonderbutt and BarbellIt’s pretty exhausting.

Wonderbutt Hanging

 

Wanted: A Trampoline with a Slingshot – and Maybe a Pig or Two

A new text from my deprived, overweight bulldog, Wonderbutt:

And the video that inspired me to consider the addition of a trampoline to his weight loss program:

Who R U Calling Fat?

Our bulldog, Wonderbutt, has become adept at texting.  He is not so adept at social skills.

 

 

Wonderbutt has started lifting weights to work on slimming down.

First Step – Admit Your Dog Has a Problem

A couple of months ago, our bulldog, affectionately nicknamed Wonderbutt, (but often called Pudgy Butt by my husband), was declared to be obese by his vet. I was certain he – the dog- would be a good candidate for The Biggest Loser.  However, it appears they have a silly requirement that participants be human.  Considering the stellar quality of reality show competitors in recent years, I would think adding canines to the roster would be a step up.  Guess that’s why I don’t make the big bucks.

As I was hunting for information on Wonderbutt’s latest dog food, however, I found that The Biggest Loser does have some interest in chubby pets.  The show is coordinating with the makers of Science Diet to offer a site with tools for learning how to slim down your pet – as well as a sweepstakes prize package that includes a trip to the finale of The Biggest Loser.

It’s too bad I don’t have any desire to actually attend the finale of The Biggest Loser.  Money – or new sofas that haven’t been chewed up by Wonderbutt – would be a much bigger incentive.

But I still thought it was helpful to take a look at the site.  I was gratified to see that my hometown, San Antonio, TX, is not on the list of the top 17 Chubbiest Pet Cities. (Although, if you note the path at the top of the picture, these can also be referred to as “Cubby Pet Cities”.)

Houston is on the list, so I probably should warn our cousins, the Globetrotters, to be mindful of what they are feeding Monte and Lola.

Getting a recommendation to confer with my vet was a bit redundant.  That’s kind of how I got here in the first place.

The exercise tips were interesting.  I think the Dog Squat Tease might be fun to do, except that Wonderbutt has a tendency to fall flat on his back when we try this game – which might be painful for him on our concrete floors.  And then I would have an Upward Facing Dog who would have a very reproachful look on his face.

Speaking of which, Doga is an option I found on the internet that seems to be catching on, but I think Wonderbutt is relaxed enough already.

It seems to me that the most obvious weight loss solution warranted for our dog is to try to find an obese cat exercise partner and let nature take its course.

Or, perhaps he should just stop eating our dang sofa.  I’m pretty sure at least 11 of his overweight pounds is the cushion foam he ingested.  I would send him to a therapist, but he would just eat the couch.

The Wonderbutt Weight Loss Program

A note of warning:  If you are going to include the words “Weight Loss Program” in your manuscript, and then try to e-mail it to yourself three times from your iPad, and wonder where the e-mails keep going, try your Junk Mail folder.  Apparently, I spammed myself. 

Wonderbutt was told he needed to lose at least five pounds.  After the disappointing lack of response to our application for The Biggest Loser, we took matters into our hands.  We (I) instituted a practical change in life style:  eat less food, get more exercise.

Because you are such a close friend, I would like to share the secrets to this successful program with you.

A typical day in the Wonderbutt Program:

Breakfast – 1 cup of delicious dog nuggets

Lunch – nothing

Dinner – another cup of delicious dog nuggets (I know they are delicious because I tried one.)

As everyone knows, no weight loss program is complete without the implementation of exercise.

Exercise – Dimples and I take Wonderbutt and Mrs. P.I.B. for a walk.  Mrs. P.I.B. has longer legs, so she ends up ahead.  Wonderbutt does not want Mrs. P.I.B. to get anywhere before he does. He has no idea where we are going, but he is going to get there first, no matter what.

Wonderbutt pulls my shoulder out of its socket.

I shift hands, yank Wonderbutt back and simultaneously pop my shoulder back in.  I do what our dog/human trainer taught me and turn around, so Wonderbutt has to follow me going in a different direction.  Since this is the opposite direction of Mrs. P.I.B., Wonderbutt is suddenly less enthusiastic about pulling me, and decides it’s my turn to pull.  But I am the leader of this pack.  So I make the rules.

I turn back around.  For about 10 seconds, Wonderbutt is by my side.  This triggers another lesson I learned from Puppy Kindergarten – bribery.  I reward Wonderbutt with a small treat.

We repeat the process.  By the time we return home, my arm has popped out of its socket 15 times, and Wonderbutt has had 30,000 “small” treats.

End of the week – Wonderbutt has gained 5 pounds from all of the treats and I’ve gained 5 from all of the stress eating I do when we return from each walk.

When Does the Massage Come In?

So, there you have it – our soon-to-be-award-winning-record-breaking-money-making Wonderbutt Weight Loss Program.  Follow the above guidelines, and you, too, can have a Wondrous Butt like me.

Can't I Just Eat a Bottle of Diet Pills?


You Can Have Your Pants Back When I’m Good and Ready

Since I kind of gave everything I had yesterday, and my Writer’s Block shows little signs of subsiding, I am going to resort to the handy blogger trick of making a list.  I’ve decided that I will update you on some of the previous posts, cleverly trying to get you to read other parts of my blog if you happen to be a new visitor.

First update – I’ve decided that I will definitely not do porn.  Anytime soon.  I have gotten more information on the Adult Spelling Bee to be held in December, and it seems that I will not have to do any stripping if I miss a word.  My contact tells me that they will be selecting a book from which to obtain a word list, which should be fine – as long as it is from the Dr. Seuss series.  If the words are more than one syllable, I may be in trouble.  According to the organizers, there is no registration necessary, which worries me due to my problem with staying committed to activities in which I have no monetary investment.

Update Deuce – Wonderbutt’s Weight Loss Challenge.  We have reduced Wonderbutt’s chow intake, and increased his two minute workout to three point five.  Here are the before and after pics.  The difference is astounding.

I May Have Gotten the Before and After Mixed Up

C.  Big Mean Kitty – is on his way to the Great Landfill in the Sky.  More about that tomorrow if my Brain Barricade is lifted by then.

4. Cap’n Firepants has not taken exception to any of the posts including him other than the fact that he still can’t understand why he is called Cap’n Firepants.

Next – Dimples is still torturing me with her homework and her questions from the backseat of the car.  My answers apparently bear no weight though.  I pointed out an excellent example of a skank yesterday when we chanced upon a Halloween costume site, and she asked me, “Now what was that again?”

*I still don’t do Facebook, even though there are lots of people I like.

Also – Every week I capture in my blogging web at least one person who apparently was trying to find out if John Denver really suffered from depression, according to my site stats.  I’m not sure what would be more depressing – if it is the same person, or that there are multiple people with this concern.

Lastly – I’m also somewhat worried about the person who landed on my site when they Googled, “I want my pants back.”  Was he or she hoping for specific results when typing that in?  How disappointing it must have been to click on the link that directed them here.  And so, I felt obligated to title my post today in such a manner that this person’s search will provide an answer to the somewhat demanding statement, “I want my pants back.”  They might find it more satisfying than reading about the exploits of Cap’n Firepants, who I am not willing to surrender at any price.

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