I decided to look up my Roller Derby name today. According to Mia Psycho’s Roller Derby Name Generator, I am “Terror Shattering”. It’s good George W. was not aware of this during his interminable term, what with his whole hostility against horror. I might have been drafted to be some kind of weapon of mass emotion obstruction, which I would, of course, have found morally reprehensible. Even though, ironically, I take a pill every morning to obstruct my own emotions. And I think I can pretty much directly trace the necessity for that back to George W.
George’s Roller Derby name, by the way, would be “Anger GimmeMore,” according to Mia Psycho. She is amazingly accurate, that Mia.
I am not intending to join a Roller Derby team. I just ended up watching this unique sport last night when Kanye West got a bit too intense and creepy on Saturday Night Live and I was looking for another channel to switch to that would not be too engrossing because I definitely wanted to switch back to SNL in time to see Seth Meyers do his last news report.
Looking at the online guide, it seemed that Roller Derby might fit the bill, and I arrived on the scene just in time to see some kind of penalty being assessed, and a giant wheel being spun to determine the consequence, and the ensuing pillow fight between two of the opponents, the winner of which was determined by some kind of peanut gallery of spectators who certainly seemed completely objective.
I nearly did not get back to Seth Meyers in time because I found this human behavior so sociologically absorbing that I could not peel my eyeballs from the screen or shove my chin back up to meet the rest of my skull.
I’m not really into contact sports. Or sports. But I have got to admit that Roller Derby is fascinating. And not nearly as disturbing as Kanye West. It’s a bit like Quidditch combined with football and roller-skates. And without the flying, of course. I’m not absolutely sure there are no broomsticks, though. The rules seem a bit vague on that.
I only had to watch Roller Derby for two minutes and seventeen seconds to realize that this is the solution to every major conflict on this planet, and that women definitely should rule the world.
Just stick me on the rink with Aim Antagonism (Kim Jung-un) and a pillow, and I’ll have things sorted out before you can say, “Ithaca New York Suffer Jets versus the Empire Skate Troopers”.
God, I love puns.