Me: Hello, I would like to join the Witness Protection Program.
Them: I’m afraid you have the wrong number.
Me: You’re just saying that because you have to be secret.
Them: No, you really do have the wrong number.
Me: Okay. Let’s just pretend for a second that this is the wrong number. What is the right number?
Them: Did you witness a crime?
Me: Does watching C.S.I. count?
Them: So, you haven’t witnessed a real-life crime?
Me: I saw a man wearing socks with sandals yesterday.
Them: Ma’am, if you have not witnessed someone breaking a law, then I don’t really understand why you need the Witness Protection Program.
Me: I need to switch identities. You guys do that, right?
Them: I told you, this is not –
Me: I know. Blah, blah, blah. Just tell me, where do I go to switch identities?
Them: Ma’am, you can’t just do that.
Me: Yes, I can. I do it all the time. I’ve got about 15 identities right now. You should know. Aren’t you monitoring my e-mails? That’s my problem. I have too many identities. I can’t keep track of them. I need you to wipe them all out and give me a new one that no one knows. Especially pizza delivery places. They are flooding my in-box with coupons. No matter what identity I pick, they always find me. Give me a secret identity, that’s what I need.
Them: Okay, I think I understand. Here is what you need to do.
Me: Finally. I knew you would come around. Okay, what should I do?
Them: Either tell me what kind of pizza you want, or stop calling this number!
Me: Sure. That’s exactly what you want me to do. So I’ll have to order my pizza online and give you an e-mail address.
Them: OR JUST DON”T ORDER A PIZZA.
Me: AS SOON AS I FIGURE OUT WHO I AM, I’M GOING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT YOU ON A SOCIAL NETWORK!