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Are You Suffering from Satellite Radio Syndrome?


Satellite Radio Syndrome is an infectious disease characterized by discontented sighs, quickly progressing to life threatening insults being discharged by the sufferer.

Linked to extended exposure to automobiles equipped with satellite receivers, each variant of the syndrome has it’s own preferred type of carrier, either XM or Sirius.  Either can be serious.  The severity of the disease appears to be directly proportionate to the time spent in the immediate vicinity of these carriers.

The symptoms are the following: eyes drifting toward the center of your dashboard every time you hear a song you don’t know and would like to identify, eyes drifting toward the center of your dashboard every time you hear a song you do know and want to prove to your competitive but insecure self that you identified it correctly, head banging on the steering wheel because you don’t have a satellite radio subscription like your husband/friend/lover/irritating relative and there are actually no words projected onto your air conditioning vent and/or antiquated cd player, head banging on the steering wheel because you have listened to the same six songs being played on the radio for the last month, and a ridiculously high credit card bill because you keep seeking out songs on iTunes that you heard on your husband/friend/lover/irritating relative’s satellite radio station so you can burn a cd to play in your car that does not have annoying ads, sachharine d.j.’s and repetitive songs.

Treatment:  Dump your husband/friend/lover/irritating relative.  Or total their car.  Or pay the guy at the bar in the seedy part of town to steal the car.  Unless they have insurance. In that case, just stick with dumping them.

Possible side effects of treatment: angry husband/friend/etc.. (from hereon to be called Patient Zero), complete ignorance of the existence of any other music that is not Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars, or Rihanna, increased thirst for new music, increased nausea/constipation/suicidal thoughts whenever you hear Adele. However, all of these potential side effects are also possible in the instance of forgoing treatment.

Updated treatment as of 9/29/11:  Buy a new car for me the patient that has a satellite receiver and nav system, too.  And make sure it includes any other options Patient Zero contracted during the purchase of his or her auto.  To prevent further outbreaks, select additonal luxuries never before obtained by Patient Zero, such as voice control and an electric trunk closer. 

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