Mixed Messages from My Wardrobe

The oldest piece of clothing that I own, and still wear occasionally, is a pair of shorts that I don whenever I am painting. Every once in awhile, I throw them on even if I’m not painting, because I might be a bit behind in laundry.  Yesterday was one of those days.  For some reason, I got the lame-brain idea that it might be fun to take the Dog Who Poops as he Walks out for a spin around the block, and those shorts were the only pair that were not in the hamper.  In retrospect, I’m not sure why I cared if I was wearing clean shorts or not, considering the fact that I spent 3/4 of the walk carrying a hefty bag of stinky dog poop.

Those shorts are a size 10.  I hadn’t worn them in a few months, and I was a more than a little discombobulated by the fact that they suddenly seemed to be tight around the waist.  I will be the first to admit that I’ve gained some weight.  But not enough to pop a button in size 10 shorts.  There was no denying, though, that I felt like there was a boa constrictor wrapped around my stomach when I was finally able to fasten them.  According to Painter Shorts, I need to be doing a lot more strolls with the Dog Who Poops as He Walks before I turn into the Girl Who Rolls Down the Street.

My size 2 skirt, purchased 2 days ago, begs to differ.  According to that hot little number, I have nothing to be concerned about.  I should be strutting my stuff more often just to give other people the opportunity to feast their eyes on my lean, slender physique.  The Dog Who Poops as He Walks should be grateful that he is accompanied by the Girl Who Struts Beside Him with Plastic Grocery Bags.

This is what we’ve come to, my friends, a 43-year old body that, ON THE SAME DAY, fits into 2 sizes that should be as far away from each other as Obama and Romney.  No wonder we all have distorted self-images.

Painter Shorts tells me, “This is what happens when you get too big for your britches.  Now, let’s do something before you burst.”

Hot Number Skirt flatters me, makes me feel like a cover model, and pooh-poohs the idea that I might need to cut back a little on the carbs.  It also tells me to ignore the fact that there are Size 00 and Size 000 skirts on the racks that raise their eyebrows in alarm if I even dare to take a peek at their tags.

I’m pretty sure I’m not fat.  And I’m very sure I’m not thin.  I suspect, despite the size 2’s in my closet, that I am somewhere in between.

What would happen, do you think, if we stopped putting sizes on clothing – just stuck them on the rack from smallest to biggest, and shopped for the size that looked like it would fit (instead of the size we hoped or thought would fit)?  Should we start a Size Revolution now, or just wait until the first day we spot a size -1 on the rack?


Posted on May 17, 2012, in Fashion, Humor, Ideas, Wonderbutt and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 34 Comments.

  1. Amen!

    I happen to be blessed with a smallish waist and a not so smallish at all asset,if you catch my drift, or draft, since my large-ish asset always seems to be hanging out of my low rise jeans and catching some wind.

    Clothes do not fit me right. Never. I have 3 or 4 different sizes of clothes in my closet. (Actually, they are on my dresser and on the floor, but no one needs to know that except you). My clothes are just as moody as I am, it seems.

    Moral of this rant? I hate clothes shopping. I hate clothes. I hate those evil little tags from hell with numbers on them that remind me of those french fries I ate for lunch, and again for dinner.

    Stupid tags.

  2. Miranda Gargasz

    I am TOTALLY on board with this revolution! Sign me up!

  3. What I don’t get is why the rest of the teachers aren’t throwing a fit! I mean, first a double negative and then a triple? Come on, even grades schooler’s know that 3 zeros only makes a difference if there is a different number in front.

  4. hysterical and so true. and MORE so when it comes to swim suits (which suck, BTW). in normal clothes i might wear a size 4 or so, but in suits i wear around an 8 and two days ago a 10. i started just pulling those suckers off the rack and holding them up to my waist. course, it was an utter failure anyway because my stomach is a size 20 and there are no clothes OR suits that accomodate more than one size for tummy, waist and butt. :o(

  5. It is weird how clothes do that to us! Have you seen the commercials with jeans sizes like Sassy and Bodacious…or something like that. Wouldn’t it be AWESOME if that is how jeans were actually sized?! Every pair, no matter what size would actually make you feed good, instead of like oooh…this is my size…and feel bad about ourselves!

    On a side note…maybe your painter shorts are older than your skirt…maybe sized differently? Also depends on the company and where you bought them from! Though something that happened to me, I have 2 jeans same size, same store, even same brand! And one is tight and I can barely squeeze into them and the other fits perfectly! Not sure what happened there!!

  6. Okay, now we need to see a ‘discombobulated’ photo of you in those shorts. I dare you!

  7. wait a minute – just looooosening my shorts, here – I LOVE drawstring waists!!! (they’re PJ’s, OK?!?!?)

    I’m IN sister!!!


  8. SIZE REVOLUTION! No more numbers and stuff, I’m for it. I read once that something like a size 1 now was like a size 13 60 years ago or something. I don’t remember, but I also know that there are no sizing rules. Just slap a number on there and you’re good!

  9. Like GingerSnaap, way up there above me, I am a small-waisted wide-loaded kinda’ girl and trousers never, never, NEVER fit. Consequently I only shop for tops and, when I manage to find a pair of jeans, wear them ’til they’re falling apart. Let’s not even start on sizing (which differs from country to country AS WELL as brand to brand.)

    By the way – love the pic’.


  10. I am In for a Revolution!!!! Just tell me where to sign. 🙂

  11. Love it! I need more tags like this!

  12. Yep, it’s true and annoying. I hate not being able to just go in a store and snap something up, because inevitably I am a small in one store and medium in another.

  13. I found this post today and I really needed it. Just this noon I was talking to my mom (actually crying) about how I don’t understand how one pair of pants says I’m this size and another says I’m this size. I was telling her I don’t know if I’m fat or if I’m thin and that scares me. But I think you are right on. I’m not fat and I’m not thin. I’m somewhere in the middle and really a size of clothing can’t decide that for me. Anyways, thanks for your post. 🙂

  14. I’m with you! I taught a jacket sewing class once and changed all the sizes to A, B, C, D, etc. to try and eliminate people being hung up about their “size.” I think it helped.

  15. Stopped by on the advise of “The Hobbler”. So glad I did! From what I’ve read so far your blog is hilarious!

    As far as the flipping tags go… I’m happy when I’m in my 10’s… sadly enough it’s not my “feeling fat today” go-to size, but I won’t go there.

    Staying in the single digit sizes is a lot harder (okay, virtually impossible) for me now that I’m forty-something… forget about that “0” insanity!

    Looking forward to reading more of your work. 🙂

  16. we laughed all the way through this one! Great post… Being a guy I never think of sizes… I just throw it on and in fact my family screams about how I dress down… but I am comfortable and that is what counts… Great post! 🙂

  17. Our collars are one-sie fits all so we don’t have this problem. It seems like your closet is playing trcks on you.
    Bella and DiDi

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