Believe it or Not, This is Not a Side-Effect of my Medication; I Was Born This Way

Before you read on, in my defense, I would just like to say that trying to fight depression during the Christmas season, especially when you are a teacher, takes Herculean strength and not a few brain cells.  Plus, I was a bit pre-occupied with the world ending and a few other things.

One more party.  Last night, we had one last Christmas party to attend.  And I was so looking forward to being done with them all.

The entire Firepants family was invited to this one.  I had inconveniently scheduled a hair appointment right before the party, but I had planned ahead to make sure we could head over there as soon as I was done.  White Elephant gift bought and wrapped.  Dessert prepared.  Address Google mapped.

Before my appointment, I reminded Dimples that she needed to find a “dress-up” outfit and something to use to roast marshmallows before I returned home.

(If you are new to my blog, I must inform you that I have an overactive Dorfenbergerthalamus that overheats and explodes if I am late to anything.  This may seem random, but it’s a pertinent fact.)

I arrived home 40 minutes before the party.

“Dimples, do you have your dress-up outfit chosen?”

“I thi-in-n-k so.”  This took 5 minutes to sort out.

“What about the marshmallow roasters?”

“No.  I told Daddy, but he hasn’t found anything yet.”

I strode to the pantry and grabbed some barbecue forks.

“O.K.  It’s going to take about 15 minutes to get there.  Is everyone going to be ready to leave in 10 minutes?”

Cap’n Firepants spoke up.  “Yes, I’ll probably be ready.  But we’re going to need to stop on the way to pick up some beer.”

“What?!!!!!!!!!  You’ve been home for 2 and a half hours.  Why didn’t you get beer earlier?”

“What was I supposed to do, take Dimples with me to pick up beer?”

“So, now you are going to take all of us to pick up beer?!”

5 minutes later – “Oh, I forgot I had some beer.  So, we don’t need to stop for it.”

“Thank  God!”  This was not sarcasm.  I was truly appreciative that we would not lose minutes picking up beer.  My Dorfenbergerthalamus was beginning to smoke.

5 minutes later – “O.K., everyone.  Let’s go.”

Wonderbutt is coaxed into the Kitchen Corral.  Mrs. P.I.B. gives us the panicked look she gives every time we leave.  Armed with our required and optional party supplies, the Firepants family exits stage right.

10 minutes later, as we are flying past the airport, a sudden realization hits.

“Oh, crap.  I forgot the White Elephant gift!” I exclaim.

To his credit, Cap’n Firepants, instead of letting the expletives fly, says, “Do you want me to turn around?”

I won’t list all of the options that rattled through my brain, but they included stopping at a convenience store and grabbing a can of Pringles or wrapping up the marshmallow forks in a car mat.

“Yes-s-s,” I reluctantly whisper as I sink deep into the seat and wait for my Dorfenbergerthalamus to go nuclear.

“Don’t worry, Mommy,” Dimples assures me from the back seat.  “According to my Girls’ Book of Glamour, it’s best to be fashionably late to a party.  Twenty minutes is ideal.”

Yeah, tell that to my Dorfenbergerthalamus…

Does anyone else see the irony in me forgetting the White Elephant gift?  You know - elephants, memory…photo credit: Carolyn Coles via photopin cc

Does anyone else see the irony in me forgetting the White Elephant gift? You know – elephants, memory…
photo credit: Carolyn Coles via photopin cc

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Posted on December 22, 2012, in Cap'n Firepants, Depression, Dimples, Fashion, Humor, Memory Loss and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. Dimples is actually right. Think of it this way, if the party is a dud, you need to be positioned to make a quick get-away. If you’re the first there, you’ll be blocked in by other people.

    When you get an invitation, automatically add 20 minutes to the arrival time.

  2. Hilarious! It’s so good to know I’m not the only one who’s OCD about being on time. Every semester when I get a new student teacher to observe, I test drive past the school – not to see where it is (the GPS man will take care of that), but to locate the closest place I can go have coffee when I arrive 45 minutes early. Ugh.

  3. On the bright side, you were able to write this post after the fact, so I’m guessing the Dorfenbergerthalamus didn’t explode after all.
    A merry christmas to you, the Firepants clan, and your extended circle, wim2s, and I hope the new year brings everything you want!

  4. Funny you! On a more serious note I am having a bit of a struggle with depression too at the moment.

  5. Your title got Lady Gaga’s song stuck in my head until you mentioned your Dorfenbergerthalamus and then it stopped playing because I was sympathizing. I have the same problem.

  6. I love this. I too suffer from the same condition. My husband as well but his is more on the scale of yours. To save all of our sanity we had the gift exchange and pot luck at our place. My theme this year was snowmen. So one of the girls brought a homemade card and a tiny present to go with it. The recipient read the card. She appreciated the time it took to create this simple but wonderful card. She then opened the tiny present saying good things come in small packages. She opened it up and there was a little box of white TicTacs with a tiny label “Snowman Poop” SHE LOVED IT. She was me.

  7. I was hoping you were feeling better…
    But, it sounds like the way we get ready to go some where but with way more screaming and threats. And we forget more than one thing.

  8. I hope the part was worth the stress before hand! I hope everyone on the firepants household has a very Merry Christmas!

  9. merry christmas whatimeant2say! i hope your blog continues makes me laugh well into 2013.

  10. This sounds WAY too familiar… And yes, the irony here is undeniable! J and I both hate being late to things too so I feel ya there. Glad you survived all the Christmas party chaos (why do we do this to ourselves again?) and busy schedules. It’s fun until it’s too hectic.
    Merry belated Christmas to you, my friend!

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