You Don’t Know Who You’re Dealing With

Just put my face in there. Oh, right. You don't know what I look like.

This is my 84th post, and I still have not been invited to spend a week with the writers of The Daily Show or The Colbert Report.  I think I’ve figured out the problem, though.  I haven’t really been hitting the politics too hard on this blog.  Partly because I don’t want to offend any of my readers.  And partly because I don’t really know anything.  But I’m going to take a risk today, and pretend that really doesn’t matter.

All of the bipartisan bickering lately (for the last 8 years, interestingly enough – since that is how old my daughter is) is driving me crazy.  So I would like to propose a new solution.  This may involve a complete overhaul of one of the Schoolhouse Rock Videos, but I’m pretty sure you will agree that it’s worth it.

How a Bill Becomes a Law the Whatimeant2say Way:

  1. Use a random name generator, such as the Secret Agent or Lady Gaga ones, to give all of the politicians code names.  Only the President will have a complete list, and it will be kept in the White House in a safe that requires two people to open it at the same time.  I would suggest that the keys be given to Conan O’Brien and Jay Leno, as they would cooperate with each other only under the direst of circumstances.
  2. Politicians will consult the Siri goddess on their iPhones, and then submit any proposals for law changes to a shared Google Doc, using their newly selected random names as their Gmail addresses.  Their political parties will not be revealed.
  3. An objective citizen, such as Ryan Seacrest, will categorize the possible laws and blog about them anonymously, grouping similar but opposing views in the same posts – still without identifying the sponsoring political parties.
  4. Citizens and non-citizens will be invited to read and comment.  Vile words and incomprehensible texting abbreviations will be thrown out by the moderator (Seacrest again).  WTF will be allowed, as it is the only way to express complete astonishment at the idiocy of the Common Man.
  5. After an appropriate length of time for discussion on each topic, a survey from PollDaddy will be placed on the blog.
  6. Any politician who leaks their code name or a law they proposed will have to appear on a reality show produced by Mark Burnet and their proposal will immediately be disqualified and sold on eBay.
  7. The proposal with the most votes on Poll Daddy (with which no political party has been affiliated) will become a law.
  8. Simon Cowell (after he applies for, pays a lot of money for,  and is granted U.S. citizenship) will be the tie-breaker judge.
  9. Charlie Sheen will announce the “winner” late at night on his webcam, and Ashton Kutcher will tweet it to everyone to make sure the maximum number of people know what the new law is.
  10. There is no number 10, but stopping at number nine looked wrong for some reason.

I know.  I should run for President.

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Posted on October 22, 2011, in Humor, Politics, Writing and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 28 Comments.

  1. Perfect! That’s the clearest thing I’ve seen come out of politics in YEARS! Yaaaaay!

  2. Thanks. I’ll be counting on your vote! 😉

  3. Listen, things couldn’t get any worse. I would also suggest that Kindle provide the first 50 or so pages of the bill (or maybe one page) for legislators who don’t have any time to read actual bills because they are spending all of their time meeting with PAC groups and contributors.

  4. I loved this post, but you may not win points with Colbert because he spells his name StePHen, (not Steven).

    Also Ashton, formerly of Demi but no longer, spells his name KuTcher (not Kucher.)

    Just the facts ma’am. 🙂

  5. I am absolutely crying at these. I’m totally sending Brainrants your way. He’ll get a kick out of these.

  6. I’m definitely voting for you. Besides Wonderbutt and Mrs. P.I.B would make great First Dogs.

  7. BrainRants likey. I think you’re onto something here, but you did just admit to your daughter causing this partisanship in Congress. What the hell have you been feeding her?

  8. Ryan Seacrest “We’ll reveal whether this bill became the law of the land, the code of the United States of America………….. after the break.”

  9. Haha, if I were American I would totally vote for you! Love your blog 🙂

  10. Politics for the Information Age. It’s an idea whose time has come!

  11. I love it! That way the dogs will get the royal doggie treats!

  12. I love this! I’d vote for you. 🙂

  13. You have my vote, sister!

  14. Hooray. I think that’s makes three. Or four. Mark this day down as the beginning of a new era! Or error…

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