Cesar Millan Needs to Paint My Toes

Wonderbutt, our Bulldog with Attitude, has absolutely no appreciation for the luxuries he enjoys.  For example, the dog is completely hateful about pedicures.  I’m beginning to contemplate letting his nails grow until they look like those crazy nails in the Guiness Book of World Records – you know those pics you always immediately turned to when you were a kid, and you would giggle with each other and say, “How in the world does that woman pick her nose?”

Wonderbutt does not need to pick his nose, so the temptation to let him figure out how to deal with ridiculously lengthy claws is not completely irrational.  The only problem is, I forgot to clip our golden, Mrs. P.I.B.’s, nails two weeks in a row, and she ripped one off running in the grass, which resulted in a crime scene that would delight any C.S.I.  and a very unfortunate vet bill that I do not want to ever end up exposing my inefficient colon to again.

When we first got Wonderbutt, I downloaded a book by Cesar Millan in which he specifically addressed how he dealt with his bulldog’s nail clipping routine.  It involved the scent of lavender and a gentle massage on a table.  I have tried my best to replicate this routine – without the lavender or the table.  Apparently, the act of casually pulling a paw toward me when Wonderbutt is half-asleep is not His Highness’ idea of relaxation.  Instead, it is a trigger for him to immediately take my hand hostage in his mouth until I let go of the paw.  Massaging the paw just extends the time and pain that I get to endure until I surrender.

I would be offended by Wonderbutt’s ingratitude, but I realized the other day that I don’t really suffer pedicures well myself.

I had decided to treat myself  as an I’m-Going-Back-Work-After-Having-a-Fairly-Crappy-Summer reward.  Unfortunately, my favorite pedicure place went out of business, probably solely due to the fact that I haven’t been there in a year, and I had to find a new spot.  The last new spot I went to was horrible, so I wasn’t sure I wanted to try anywhere again.  But the combination of my inattention to detail, my post-40 sight changes, and my refusal to wear reading glasses had resulted in my most recent self-applied pedicure looking like a 3-year old had scribbled with a paint pen all over my toes.  Either I needed the services of a professional – or to wear closed-toe shoes for the rest of my life.

After consulting local Yelp reviews, I finally found a new nail salon.  Quiet, peaceful, relaxing.

As my pedicurist gently massaged my toes, here was what was going through my head:

“Oh, crap.  I forgot to stop by the ATM.  I HAVE NO CASH!!!  How am I going to tip him?  I could use my credit card, but people like cash better.  What kind of idiot am I to FORGET TO BRING CASH TO A PEDICURE?!!!!!  I think I might have a dollar.  But that’s an insult.  This is horrible.  I am a selfish, lazy, blind, middle-aged lady suffering from dementia.  I don’t deserve a pedicure.  Does anyone ever give this poor guy a pedicure?  I wonder what his feet look like.  I don’t really want to know.  My left arm feels a bit tingly.  I think I’m about to have a heart attack. ”

Are these the thoughts that run through Wonderbutt’s head?  Is the hand-chomp merely his way of revealing his insecurities?  If Wonderbutt could Yelp about my services, would his review berate me for the absence of lavender and special furniture or would he admit that his ability to enjoy his pedicures is inhibited by his body issues and his concerns about properly compensating for me for a job well-done?

It’s the lavender.

Wonderbutt hides his paws from me in a failed attempt to avoid his weekly pedicure.

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Posted on August 22, 2012, in Dogs, Humor, Wonderbutt and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 50 Comments.

  1. Things going through MY mind as I read your latest post:
    She cuts Mrs PIB’s nails every week? I never clip Bella’s. Does that make me a bad dog-Mum? … I wonder if an eye-pillow would help with Wonderbutt on the table. Assist in having him relax. You could infuse it with lavender oil… She doesn’t like pedis. Who doesn’t like pedis? I love pedis… She thinks she’s middle aged. I don’t think I’m middle aged. We’re the same age. What does that mean? AM I MIDDLE AGED?… She has a male pedicurist. How would I feel with a random male massaging my feet? I would LOVE it…

    • I’m sure you’re not a bad dog-Mum. Wonderbutt’s nails grow unusually fast. I’ve never had to clip a dog’s nails that often. As for the male massaging my feet, I have to admit that it was weird for a moment. But then I remembered the time a bartender I knew, Lucky Dave, who gave me a professional massage while I was naked under a towel, and figured this I could handle.

  2. Poor Wonderbutt! Nail clipping is rotten. Mom takes me once a month and a nice man at Petco does my nails. Even though I’m terrified, I stare straight ahead and wait it out. Then Mom gives me treats and buys me a new toy. Hang in there , Buddy.

    Love and licks,
    Cupcake

    • We have had bad experiences three times when we took Mrs. P.I.B. other places (even the vet!) so now I find it’s less traumatic for the dogs if I do it myself. And less vet bills for me!

  3. I do not envy you having to cut two dogs’ nails. I do, however, do the same thing that you do where your mind just spirals into you ending up dead. I do that all the time

  4. Chancy and Mumsy

    I do not cut Chancy’s toenails, they are black and I am afraid I will cut them too close so I take him to have them clipped. I do clip the guinea pigs nails though and he is not happy to get it done at all. Your blogs are just the greatest…your humor is outstanding. Hugs for you and some nose kisses for the furries.

  5. You made me laugh three times with this post. Just saying. I don’t clip our dog’s nails. We hear click, click, click all day. I don’t know where I was going with that…

  6. Phoebe hates to have her paws handled. Hates it. I have taken to collecting 4 dog biscuits along with the nail clipper. I feed her a biscuit per foot. While she’s eating, she doesn’t seem to mind clipping.

    I had another dog who hated having her feet messed with so much that it required large doses of sedatives (for her, not me) and three people to do the job. Have fun with Wonderbutt.

    • I tried the treat thing, and Wonderbutt gobbles them far too fast. I tried bones, so he couldn’t be finished so fast, and he decided the bones with flesh on them (my hand) were much tastier when he is peeved.

  7. Why is it that when you’re paying for something relaxing, all you can do is stress? At least you had a credit card with you.

  8. Oh that picture of Wonderbutt is brilliant as are your words!

  9. I have a vision of the poor pedicure guy (the pedicurist?) looking up at you as he did his thing, expecting to see your eyes closed in a state of zen-like relaxation…and instead seeing sheer panic as you worked your way into a frenzy! We don’t tip in Australia, so I’m very curious – did you end up giving $1 or something crazy on your credit card as you were relieved to make it out alive?

  10. My cat, Mr Kitty, suffers anxiety attacks whenever I reach into “the drawer”. We always do it in the same place and although it’s not often…the expression on his face is pure panic. His gaze darts around looking for an escape as if the ordeal wasn’t going to be over in 60 seconds. I cut one claw to close about four years ago. I guess I don’t blame him and he does gets me back every now and then. That’s how I know its time to clip. That sounds perfectly awful of me doesn’t it? And, as far as getting a pedi myself, kinda weirds me out. Tried it a few times…not for me.

  11. Haha, I know what you mean. I can’t see very well, and I attempt to do my home-made manicure, then get to work the next day, and it looks like a 2-year old painted my nails. It’s horrible. I’m going for clear and nude colors now, because apparently it’s going to get worse and worse.

    On a side note, I just nominated you for the Sisterhood of World Blogger Award, if you wish to participate. Info is on my last post. Hope you have a great day!

  12. Ha! “My left arm feels a bit tingly. I think I’m about to have a heart attack.” That is definitely how 82% of my inner dialogues end! I knew on some level we were basically the same person.

  13. I don’t think Cesar would do a pedi for a dollar tip 🙂 I had a BIG dog with toenail cutting issues – went on for years. Until I realised he liked to eat the clippings. Gross, I know. But as soon as I figured that out, it went from nightmare to playtime! He even liked chasing them as they skittered away across the floor.

    • Wonderbutt did try to eat Mrs. P.I.B.’s clippings once, but he lost interest in that and just stares fixedly at the biscuit jar while I clip her nails, hoping that I will reward him for being good while someone else receives a pedicure.

  14. I take our dogs to the vets for nail clipping…that way I don’t get blamed or get the back lash.

    love the pic of WB ain’t he just the greatest

  15. Massage? No, my paws are ticklish!
    Lavender? You cannot be serious!
    I was persuaded by lots of sausages and other doggy favourites that I might as well put up with having my nails clipped.

  16. AWW. he looks so cute and scared in that last picture. “Feet? what feet? I don’t gots none, so you can put away those demonic clippers!”

  17. Regarding the Guinness World Record nails, my first question always was, “How do they wipe?!?
    Lavender and a massage? That might work for Wonderbutt, but then if he gets too relaxed you have to contend with his gassy releases I’m sure. Hard to say which is worse: the flatulence or the hand grab…
    Dog nails are so hard to cut, I used to just take my pup in to the groomer because I didn’t want to deal with it. I applaud you for making the effort!

  18. By the way, you’re going to need another award shelf. I nominated you over at my blog

  19. I take my cat Duncan to have his nails clipped. I swear he has certain look whenever I load him in the car: You lousy SOB, I know you’re taking me to have that lady manhandle my paws, and I will hate you forever, and so what if the cuticles are the same color as my fur, because this whole thing sucks.
    Wonderbutt’s expression is somewhat milder than Duncan’s. You’re lucky. Wonderbutt doesn’t spit and hiss. Does he???

  20. omg. i was actually snorting while reading what was going through your head while getting your “relaxing” pedicure. hysterical. so happy i came back from vacation to this post.

  21. I had a dog years ago that was completely obnoxious about trimming his nails. I finally gave up and brought Sarge to the doggy beauty parlor. He was an angel. The dog-clipper person thought I was a nut case. And Sarge had a look of sweet revenge for a solid week.

  22. Maybe if you gave Wonderbutt a new toy and after he destroyed it he could give it back to you as a tip he would feel better about having his nails clipped.

  23. We don’t let the humans touch our nails unless they give us a cocktail first (we think). Maybe Wonderbutt needs a glass of wine?

    Bella and DiDi

  24. LOL… we actually do all our collies ourselves…. we wait till they are asleep and when they are zonked out good we start clipping. Of course, we take at least three days to complete the sly Ginger’s nails…. would love to take them in but can you imagine the bill for all these crazy collies? LOL Great post! 🙂

  25. Wonderbutt’s train of thought:
    Ooh! A hand! Wait…yes…yes! It is the hand that feeds me! No? There’s no food in that hand. Maybe the hand is the food! No wait, that would be bad.
    COUCH!
    What was I saying?

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