Just Give it To Me Straight; Will This Effect My GPA (Grand Plan to Age in relatively good health)?

Medical tests confuse me.  Not the try-to-get-into-medical-school-so-you-can-spend-the-next-decade-of-your-life-not-sleeping kind of medical tests.  And not even the “Better 1… or Better 2?” kind of optometry tests (though those kind of confuse me, too; I always suspect that I am being tricked and neither one is better, they are both exactly the same.  Coincidentally, my contact prescriptions seem less accurate every year, and I go twelve months seeing things in a blur because I am afraid to admit to my optometrist that I lied when I said #2 was better in the hopes of making the test end more quickly.) No, I am talking about the extract-some-bodily-fluids-to-send-to-a-lab kind of tests.  When you think about it, it’s my poor bodily fluids that are actually being subjected to these pop quizzes for which they never had the opportunity to study.  So, I guess it’s not the tests that confuse me – just the results.

“Mrs. Cap’n Firepants? I’m just calling to tell you that your test results were negative.”

“Oh my God!!!!!  So, I do have cancer?”

“Umm, we weren’t testing you for cancer. Just for kujdjidlkjkdjf.”

“Oh my God!  So, I have that? …Uh, what is that?”

“No, I am trying to tell you that you do NOT have it.”

“But you said the results were negative.”

“That means you don’t have it.”

“But shouldn’t that be a positive thing, that I don’t have whatever it is? Are you one of those glass-half-empty-people?  Because maybe you shouldn’t have this job if you are going to be spreading your gloomy outlook on life to perfect strangers.”

“This has nothing to do with my optimism or pessimism, Mrs. Cap’n Firepants.  It’s medical terminology.  When what you are trying to find in the test is not present, then you say it is negative.”

“So, are you saying that you wanted to find this in my blood?!!”

“I need to make some more calls, Mrs. Cap’n Firepants.”

“Wait!  Are you positive the test was negative?”

“I’m hanging up now.”

I breathe a sigh of relief that I apparently do not have kujdjidlkjkdjf.   And then I remember that I was kind of hoping that I do have it because it isn’t fatal, can be fixed by taking a pill a day, and would explain why I am such a terrible person.

So, now I am positive that I am feeling negative.

This may explain why my gynecologist’s office just leaves an automated message about my Pap Smear every year.

My bodily fluids would have totally rocked this test.  photo credit: dullhunk via photopin cc

My bodily fluids would have totally rocked this test.
photo credit: dullhunk via photopin cc

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Posted on February 17, 2013, in Aging, Doctors, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 35 Comments.

  1. Eat more chocolate, my sweet

  2. You are such a great writer! The way mainstream places handle medical tests is definitely quite hilarious when seen in this context. I hope that you find a way to feel better soon and that they figure out the right test to figure out how to make that happen if that’s what you want 🙂

  3. That whole positive-negative thing always trips me up too. I always panic for a minute. Can’t they just call and say, “Yeah, you’re screwed” or “Woohoo, party it up”?

  4. I didn’t get the positive/negative thing until like 5 years ago, haha. You find the best pictures, too! Oh, and i was trying to find the blog post where you talk about trying to put on the film on your ipad to show Jason and I used your blog search engine and can’t find it anywhere!! I tried every which way you could think of. Do you know which post I am talking about????

    • I usually use PhotoPin to find my pictures, but it doesn’t always have what I am searching for. Then I get a bit side-tracked, and try to figure out how I can tie one of the suggested pictures into my post anyway!

  5. the find x is the best thing i’ve seen all day. and the medical results remind me of voting for a proposition. the language on the commercials rivals IRS form wording in its ability to confuse the hell out of me: so, if you are in favor of proposition A remember to vote “no” on november 4th. i’ve probably voted in so many propositions i didn’t want it’s ridiculous. happy you don’t have hjlkjskislis!

  6. Could be worse.
    Could be one of those pychological tests where they say “there is no wrong answer”.
    Challenge accepted, Doc!

  7. Yes, wouldn’t we all love something that explained why we are terrible and can be fixed with a pill (or gives us a fabulous excuse to stay terrible 🙂 ). I’m sorry to hear you are positive you feel negative

  8. I am starting to love you as much as wonderbutt! BOL

  9. It’s National Drink Wine Day. There is no negative in that.

  10. I am glad I am not the only one who is slightly disappointed when I DON’T have something. I would so like the sympathy.

  11. who says that you are a terrible person? Let me get at them!!! Me and WB the wonder duo!!!

  12. Are you positive the test was negative? Haha. I love it! Those are confusing, though. I was tested for something it was impossible that I have back when I was 13 (which was actually terrible because they made me fast before drawing the blood and then they took too much and I passed out and then they proceeded to tell me that I had passed out because I had thought of something bad) and then the results came back negative and I was so confused. They use the words wrong.

  13. So… you’re positively negative and optimistically pessimistic? Makes perfect sense!! Now bring on the aspirin for this confusion-headache and lets check out WebMD so we can self-diagnose what is negatively positive and get it all fixed up, shall we?

    I really do hope you feel better and figure out what’s up though. Would be nice to know what’s wrong and get it all squared away. 🙂

    • My doctor says I’m not allowed to look at WebMD anymore because it gives me too many ideas. Just because I asked him if I might have hemophilia which, it turns out, pretty much only men get. Then I asked if he was absolutely positive I am not a man, and that’s when he suggested I stop using the internet.

  14. Hate medical tests, medical jargon. The worst is when they call and won’t tell you a blessed thing except to make an appointment with the doc. Why can’t the louse just call you him/herself and be done with it? Particularly for the negative stuff, which I guess usually means you will live to see another day. Best of luck getting someone to find out what’s troubling you. Have you run it by Wonderbutt? His face screams intellect, wouldn’t you agree?

  15. I know what you mean exactly. For goodness sake, what is the illness I have that causes all the weird behaviour, bad hair and eye bags and give me the pill for it NOW!

  16. this post completely captivates my exact perspective, i’ll never admit that my vision is less than perrfect since i scammed the optician when i said all the letters although i blinked hard to focus when they wer’nt looking

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