If You Would Just Go Where I Tell You to Go, We Wouldn’t Have These Problems. We’d Still Have Problems. Just Different Ones.

What kind of path?

Bible verse at Chuckles Miniature Golf Course.  (I’m not absolutely sure how it relates to putt-putt.) This is what I’m going to read to Cap’n Firepants the next time he needs directions.

If I ever divorce Cap’n Firepants, I will cite the reason as being “irreconcilable differences induced by Yahoo.”  Just because, ten years ago, we spent an hour trying to find a hotel to which I had printed Yahoo directions and I finally realized that the top of the directions stated, “We could not find the address you searched, so we have given you driving directions to the center of the town,” my husband has completely lost all faith in my navigation ability.  Technically, I guess he should have faulted my reading ability, but he likes to misplace blame.

He never had faith in my driving ability.  But I can’t really blame that on Yahoo.  The man has trust issues, and I guess I didn’t really help matters when I backed into his parked truck one day.

So, you can probably picture the dilemma we face when we travel somewhere unfamiliar.  Cap’n Firepants drives, and I sit in the passenger seat telling him where to go.  And he ignores me.

That’s why I like flying.

This should have all changed when I downloaded my new nifty smartphone app that actually speaks to you and tells you exactly where to go.

But, Cap’n Firepants refuses to take it seriously, perhaps because it is a woman’s voice, or maybe because she periodically mispronounces street names (Alamo is said, “A Lamb, Oh!), but the most likely reason is because I am the one holding the phone.

He constantly questions the woman – “Why is she saying to go down that street?  I’m pretty sure it’s the next one.”

And when I tell him that I’m pretty sure she knows what she is talking about because she is crowdsourced by millions of people, he scoffs and goes whatever way his superior intuition, crowdsourced by every male with which he has had contact in his life, directs him.

This happened, several times, while we were on vacation in Tennessee.  But the most memorable example from that trip was when we were on our way to Chuckles Entertainment Center.

“It says to turn right on Chuckles Parkway,” I said.

“But I see it right there,” he responded.

“Yes, but if we turn right now, we are not turning on Chuckles Parkway.”

“So we’ll get there faster.”

“Don’t you think she would tell us if there was a faster way to get there?”


So, we turned right.  Into the Lowe’s parking lot.  And drove all the way to the back of the lot where we could clearly see Chuckles Entertainment Center.

Below us.

If we had packed our parachutes, we definitely could have gotten there faster.

“This is going on my blog, you know,” I said.  To his credit, he did not push me over the cliff.

Now that I think about it, Yahoo’s probably not the only reason for our irreconcilable differences.


Posted on August 12, 2013, in Annoyances, Cap'n Firepants, Family, Humor, Marriage and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 21 Comments.

  1. Waaaay too funny. And, I think, near universal. Still LOL.

  2. Tom Toms had a program where you could download different voices into the GPS. I wanted to download mine. I think my husband’s head would explode if there was another woman out there telling him where to go.

  3. Haha. Almost always listen to the GPS/online directions (and your wife). A GPS may sometimes tell you to drive into a lake, but unless your wife hates you she won’t tell you to do that.

  4. when hubby drives and I have her speaking, he never listens either. all she says is, “one moment please……………..miscalculating………………….one moment please…………” I keep waiting for the day she says, “miscalculating, one god damnit moment, %&$*$&#*$&#”

    • My app just calmly recalculates – with only a beep to let you know. She also lets you know if she recalculated due to traffic in the area, which is super cool. I think I’m a bit in love with her in a totally platonic way.

  5. I wouldn’t take her seriously either if she pronounced it – a lamb oh! Haha. It’s actually the opposite in our relationship. Jason can’t be trusted to get us home from like Taco Canana and I pride myself at how I can navigate the google map directions. 🙂

    • But does he admit that he can’t do it? That’s the important part!

      • Yes thankfully he knows it’s not his strongest area. But what drives me nuts is… I will say,” ok, turn on not this coming street but the next.” And he will repeat what I just said like three times before we reach the first street and I will say, “yes, that’s when to turn.” Then we will get to the first street and he will say, “turn here? Or next one?” Argh!! No, the very next street, I will say. Sure enough, instead of confidently turning at the 2nd street- he verifies AGAIN.

  6. I mute the damn gps, unless we’re in a place neither has ever heard of or are familiar with.

  7. Get him a Garmin GPS. It has a man’s voice. Much more confidence-inducing, apparently, especially if he chooses the one with the British accent.

  8. I have no words (or answers)…

  9. I love this post! ABSOLUTELY a conversation that would be had between myself & Voicesinmybrain. I get it.

  1. Pingback: One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Winning Entry in the Firepants Rummage Sale Contest | whatimeant2say

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