All Hail King Wonderbutt!
As our great nation celebrates another peaceful bestowal of power upon someone chosen by the people, I would like to describe to you what it is like to still live under tyranny – with the imperious King Wonderbutt as our leader.
Less discerning subjects may feel that the King has matured, as there are fewer incidences of pillaging to be reported. This is not due, however, to any mellowing on the part of Wonderbutt; instead, we are the ones who have submitted to his autocratic laws. We sometimes forget our servility, and Wonderbutt swiftly issues his own version of justice, as dictators are often wont to do. For example, Wonderbutt no longer chews on shoes. This is not because he has not developed any kind of shoe restraint; we just try not to leave shoes in his vicinity. Our daughter frequently places them on the front windowsill when she enters our home, so that anyone who climbs our porch is greeted by a parade of boots, tennis shoes, and flip flops staunchly standing guard. This will probably not increase our chances of having our home featured in Better Homes and Gardens, but it does decrease the chance of Wonderbutt redesigning her footwear or forcing us all to become Hobbits and grow our own leather soles on the bottoms of our feet.
The King no longer chews up our carpeting because we got concrete floors. And, he doesn’t eat our sofa cushions because we finally purchased leather sofas. It’s even been awhile since we’ve found book pages strewn around the living room because the entire family gave up reading.
Well, we didn’t stop reading. Just stopped reading in the living room. (I would like to point, however, that it is a common trait amongst tyrants to limit the available reading material of his subjects.)
If we foolishly leave a dish towel draped over the counter, Wonderbutt reminds us of our slovenliness by dragging it out to his Poop Pen (don’t worry, we throw it away once it’s reached that Point of No Return; we do not dry our dishes with poopy towels, I promise.)
So, rejoice, Americans, and all of you who live in democratic countries. You are fortunate to have some input in the laws that you must follow.
And to not have to do battle every evening in an attempt to dethrone the King.