I Am Still Waiting for My Standing Ovation

I used to look that good.  Before my 5-year-old started school.

I used to look that good. Before my 5-year-old started school.

It’s been almost 24 hours, and I am still mad at JLo. You will probably argue that I should not be upset with her. But then I’ll just be mad at you, too.

It all started with a “project.” * I am seriously beginning to hate that word. It is an obvious euphemism for “homework assignment that will cause family turmoil and erode the already tenuous bond between a parent and her 10-year-old daughter because the father would much rather stay out of the whole thing.”

My daughter was assigned a landform, archipelago. She informed me a couple of weeks ago that she needed to make her landform out of salt dough on cardboard and paint it. I will not get into the ins and outs of why this “project” did not get done until the night before it was due. I’ll grant JLo this; it wasn’t her fault that my daughter started it late.

So, last night my daughter started painting her archipelago before synchronized swimming practice, then pulled out a paper that detailed the other part of the project about which she had neglected to inform me.

At 8:40 PM, after synchro practice and dropping off our carpooler, my daughter finally started Part II. This included researching, folding, decorating, labeling, and finding the square root of Pi. She is now the world’s Greatest Expert on Archipelagoes. We will be putting that on her college application, I am sure.

At 9:40 PM, our golden retriever came indoors with poop all over one foot, and managed to smear it all around our living room archipelago of furniture before my husband realized it. He cleaned up the concrete floor. I got the job of getting the poop off her foot.

At 10 PM, our daughter informed me that the printer would not print out the non-mandatory picture that she had decided to add to her masterpiece.

At 10 PM and 5 seconds, I said, “If it’s not on the instructions, you don’t need it.” Thus, completely reinforcing her notion that she should never have to do more work than the actual minimum required. I will be contradicting this notion the next time I ask her to clean her room. “I am not fixing the printer right now. Go to bed.”

At 10:20 PM, I was watching Jon Stewart, who was interviewing JLo.

“You have twins, don’t you? How old are they now?” he asked.

“They’re about to turn 5,” JLo said, proudly.

AND THE AUDIENCE CLAPPED AND HOOTED ENTHUSIASTICALLY.

For JLo. Because she has kids. And they are about to turn 5.

Yeah, JLo. You rock. What a great mom you are. For keeping your kids alive to the age of 5.

Have you had to work a long day, come home, fix dinner, ride herd on your child to finish her project (even though you agree with her that it is a complete waste of time), drive carpool, ride herd some more, clean a poopy dog foot, and shove your bulldog to one side just so you can fall into an armchair to rest at 10:05 as your daughter glares at you for not fixing a printer or reading to her before she goes to bed?

I think not. And, I don’t think you ever will.

That is why I am mad at JLo.

Because it’s completely pointless to be mad at the half-witted audience who applauded her just for being a pop star with two almost-5-year-olds.

Or an archaic school system that feels it is necessary to pit parents against children on a regular basis in the name of “education.”

Plus, she was a little bit too flirty with Jon Stewart.

You can only push me so far.

*(If you are interested in more of my commentary on school projects, you might want to read “The Science-is-Not-Fair”, a titillating expose of the negative impact of science fairs on unsuspecting families. And, yes, I know expose is supposed to have an accent mark, but I am so blindly angry at JLo that I cannot remember how to add one.)

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Posted on January 23, 2013, in Children, Family, Humor, Parenting and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 34 Comments.

  1. JLo wouldn’t last 20 seconds against WB.
    She just ain’t as cool as you.

    (And regardless of how many octaves she can hit, I bet every so often you get riled enough to hit ranges only WB and Mrs PIB can hear.)

  2. LOL… Great timing. We’re working on a “project” over here tonight, too… ugh!

  3. Excellent! I feel this way about Jennifer Garner Affleck. Why is she a mom of the year contender because she remembers to put sunscreen on her kids during a 4th of July parade? Makes me so mad!!!

  4. Ok, saw this post pop up and totally had to read you because I needed to smile. I’m tired. I’m cross with my oldest child (yes, because of homework) and I haven’t read your posts for weeks and I’m feeling guilty and badly about that. This blogging guilt is kiling me. But at least you made me laugh. 🙂

  5. Crap, I wish I would have wrote this. Loved it

  6. I had to make Washington out of salt dough and label all the mountains. It was ridiculous. I hated it.

    I saw that and I always think it’s weird when people clap because a celebrity has kids. You don’t clap for normal people. They have kids. They’re gonna be X years old. Whatever. People have kids and kids grow up. That’s the circle of life.

    • So, stupidly, I was thinking you had to make GEORGE Washington out of salt dough until you mentioned the mountains. Don’t ask me why I completely misinterpret things. And don’t ask me where George Washington’s mountains would be, either…

  7. I am clapping for you!

  8. Let’s face it. This has nothing to do with school projects, privileged celebrity moms, busy lives, or silly audiences. It has everything to do with Jenny on the block being in a position to shamelessly flirt with Jonny boy.

  9. Consider THIS your a standing ovation. I have never had kids, and I don’t know how women with kids ever get dressed, never mind hold a job. I even know a woman with kids who wears mascara – and without a team of nannies! Now that is applause-worthy!

    • I think we all wonder how other people do it. I only have one kid, and I wonder how people with multiple children (and no nannies) get dressed. Some people say the grass is always greener on the other side. I think the grass is always harder to mow, and full of dog poop IED’s.

  10. Girrrrlll, I feel your pain. I have 3 kids with an ex-husband that lives out of state. And you know that bitch has 3 nannies… pffft, don’t get me started.

  11. this is my favorite post this week! if i was famous enough to dole out awards i would give you one for this. also, i am standing and ovating you right now.

  12. yes so am I , like Monica ..that was I good post and JLo can go jump…I will clap for you ! THREE CHEERS !

  13. Cynthia Matos-Medina

    You described my life and how I feel about school projects 🙂 I hear you!

  14. I’m with Guapo, no way J-Lo could keep up with the Firepants family like you do AND teach AND wrangle WB AND clean poopy feet. Perhaps we’ve finally uncovered Wonderwoman’s secret identity, eh, Mrs. Cap’n Firepants? 😉
    I think you’re a rock star (which is far better than some ol’ hip hop star anyway)!

  15. Oh no! Such a horrible night. Still, I am laughing my tush off when I picture the dog walking around with poop paws!

  16. I have not yet kept Squish alive to the age of five. I promise you, when that day comes, I will EXPECT applause. Because he’s Squish. And he has brushes with death daily.

    That being said, “project” has the exact same definition in our house. And I’m glad no poop got ON the project because I know from experience how unfortunate that would be!

  17. ugh… the project that they dont start till bedtime the night before… oh the times we had with those! You used to look like jlo? who do you look like now? Myself I sort of look.. or at least feel like Frankenstein….. before kids it was Clark Gable (that my lie.. er story and I am sticking to it! LOL)
    God Bless You!
    the annoyed collies and chuck 🙂

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