Our Government is Useless. Next Time I’m Calling KFC.

Me:  Hello, I would like to join the Witness Protection Program.

Them:  I’m afraid you have the wrong number.

Me:  You’re just saying that because you have to be secret.

Them:  No, you really do have the wrong number.

Me:  Okay.  Let’s just pretend for a second that this is the wrong number.  What is the right number?

Them:  Did you witness a crime?

Me:  Does watching C.S.I. count?

Them:  So, you haven’t witnessed a real-life crime?

Me:  I saw a man wearing socks with sandals yesterday.

Them:  Ma’am, if you have not witnessed someone breaking a law, then I don’t really understand why you need the Witness Protection Program.

Me:  I need to switch identities.  You guys do that, right?

Them:  I told you, this is not –

Me:  I know.  Blah, blah, blah.   Just tell me, where do I go to switch identities?

Them:  Ma’am, you can’t just do that.

Me:  Yes, I can.  I do it all the time.  I’ve got about 15 identities right now.  You should know.  Aren’t you monitoring my e-mails?  That’s my problem.  I have too many identities.  I can’t keep track of them.  I need you to wipe them all out and give me a new one that no one knows.  Especially pizza delivery places.  They are flooding my in-box with coupons.  No matter what identity I pick, they always find me.  Give me a secret identity, that’s what I need.

Them:  Okay, I think I understand.  Here is what you need to do.

Me:  Finally.  I knew you would come around.  Okay, what should I do?

Them:  Either tell me what kind of pizza you want, or stop calling this number!

Me:  Sure.  That’s exactly what you want me to do.  So I’ll have to order my pizza online and give you an e-mail address.


Dial tone.



Posted on July 2, 2013, in Humor, Politics and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.

  1. Haha, I love, I saw a man wearing socks with sandals. I had to spend 10 mins today explaining to Lance why socks and crocs just are never ok.

    • I don’t know why it bothers me so much; I guess it’s just the mixed message of, “I want to have my shoes open-toed, but I don’t actually want my toes to benefit from it.”

  2. I’m still giggling over the sandals with socks. I’m with Emily on this one. I have trouble explaining to my husband why white socks are never okay with loafers and black jeans. Looks like two skunks slinking along the sidewalk. Sigh. Thanks for sharing.

  3. Sometimes I wish I could see inside your brain…

  4. You shouldnt have to give them your email address to order a pizza!

  5. Tell them to send the food wrapped in foil so you save on having to buy your own to make a protective hat!

  6. wait you saw a someone wearing socks with sandals??? were you in front of my house? because hubby does that crazy $hit all the time. and now that you mention it, it does make me want to change my identity.

  7. Haha. A flaminchicken and he’s got the rotisserie sticks ready to roll!

  8. Ming has taken to wearing socks with thongs , I will show him your post!

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