Our Government is Useless. Next Time I’m Calling KFC.
Me: Hello, I would like to join the Witness Protection Program.
Them: I’m afraid you have the wrong number.
Me: You’re just saying that because you have to be secret.
Them: No, you really do have the wrong number.
Me: Okay. Let’s just pretend for a second that this is the wrong number. What is the right number?
Them: Did you witness a crime?
Me: Does watching C.S.I. count?
Them: So, you haven’t witnessed a real-life crime?
Me: I saw a man wearing socks with sandals yesterday.
Them: Ma’am, if you have not witnessed someone breaking a law, then I don’t really understand why you need the Witness Protection Program.
Me: I need to switch identities. You guys do that, right?
Them: I told you, this is not –
Me: I know. Blah, blah, blah. Just tell me, where do I go to switch identities?
Them: Ma’am, you can’t just do that.
Me: Yes, I can. I do it all the time. I’ve got about 15 identities right now. You should know. Aren’t you monitoring my e-mails? That’s my problem. I have too many identities. I can’t keep track of them. I need you to wipe them all out and give me a new one that no one knows. Especially pizza delivery places. They are flooding my in-box with coupons. No matter what identity I pick, they always find me. Give me a secret identity, that’s what I need.
Them: Okay, I think I understand. Here is what you need to do.
Me: Finally. I knew you would come around. Okay, what should I do?
Them: Either tell me what kind of pizza you want, or stop calling this number!
Me: Sure. That’s exactly what you want me to do. So I’ll have to order my pizza online and give you an e-mail address.
Them: OR JUST DON”T ORDER A PIZZA.
Dial tone.
Me: AS SOON AS I FIGURE OUT WHO I AM, I’M GOING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT YOU ON A SOCIAL NETWORK!
Posted on July 2, 2013, in Humor, Politics and tagged government, humor, identity, KFC, pizza, witness protection. Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.
whatimeant2say 
Haha, I love, I saw a man wearing socks with sandals. I had to spend 10 mins today explaining to Lance why socks and crocs just are never ok.
I don’t know why it bothers me so much; I guess it’s just the mixed message of, “I want to have my shoes open-toed, but I don’t actually want my toes to benefit from it.”
I’m still giggling over the sandals with socks. I’m with Emily on this one. I have trouble explaining to my husband why white socks are never okay with loafers and black jeans. Looks like two skunks slinking along the sidewalk. Sigh. Thanks for sharing.
I love that imagery – “two skunks slinking along the sidewalk.” 🙂
Sometimes I wish I could see inside your brain…
You and the government both.
You shouldnt have to give them your email address to order a pizza!
I shouldn’t? What about my social security number? Was I supposed to give them that, too?
Tell them to send the food wrapped in foil so you save on having to buy your own to make a protective hat!
Silly, Guap. I already have a protective hat.
wait you saw a someone wearing socks with sandals??? were you in front of my house? because hubby does that crazy $hit all the time. and now that you mention it, it does make me want to change my identity.
I promise I haven’t been stalking you. Or your husband 😉
Haha. A flaminchicken and he’s got the rotisserie sticks ready to roll!
Aww. That’s cold!
They’re better hot.
LOL 😉
Ming has taken to wearing socks with thongs , I will show him your post!
Perhaps that is the fashion in your part of the world. I should not be so judgmental!