Do Not Hire Me to Be Your Personal Shopper

Apparently, I never learn.  Or I’m very stubborn.  Cap’n Firepants would definitely nod his head vigorously to the latter.   Of course, he’s the source of my frustration right now, so he has no right to be assassinating my character.

Cap’n Firepants usually leaves birthday shopping to me.  Our beautiful daughter, Dimples, has her special day this week.  So, I, the forward thinking, obsessive compulsive wacko mom that I am, have been stacking up gifts for her for awhile.

The day before the day before her birthday (actually the night before the day before – 10:00 p.m., to be precise), the Cap’n casually questioned whether he needed to contribute anything to the Big Day.  I noted to him that I had pretty much bought her just about everything on her list except for rats and a 200-piece Crayola art case.  As he is disinclined to allow her to become a rodent owner, I suggested that if he was determined to put some of his own physical effort into the Big Day, he could roll on down to Toys r Us the next day and buy her the art case which was prominently featured with stars and hearts encircling it on her list.

After he Googled the nearest Toys r Us to his office, and I e-mailed him the exact specifications of the art case, as no substitutes would do, the plan was set.

The next afternoon, Cap’n Firepants texted me that he had dutifully made the trip to Toys r Us.

“I bought her the Clownfish Air Swimmer,” he texted.

Fortunately, there were no students in my classroom in the moment (which there wouldn’t be since I never check my phone while I’m teaching anyway), as I think I may have mumbled a few not-so-appropriate words when I read his text.

Allow me to digress for a moment.  Trust me, it relates.

Readers of this blog during the last month or so might recall my three-part series regarding the X-box Kinect Debacle of last Christmas.  It’s full of drama and suspense, so I highly recommend it.

I concluded the story with my great idea for this year’s joint Christmas gift for the Cap’n and Dimples – an Air Swimmer – THE hot toy this season.  (If you haven’t seen the video for this, you must.  It’s highly amusing.)  Anticipating the run on this puppy fish that would occur once everyone’s shopping got into full swing (and once my multitude of readers read that day’s post), I made sure that I ordered and received the gift way, way, way ahead of time. It’s been sitting in my closet for almost a year – O.K., well maybe a month.

I had already made plans with the guys at work to fill it up with helium for me and do a few test runs so I could scare the bejesus out of Dimples and the Cap’n on Christmas morning.  Wonderbutt’s reaction would be an added bonus.

And with one short text, Cap’n Firepants had let the helium out of my balloon.

I know.  I know.  Blah, blah, blah.  Why does it matter that she’s getting it a little earlier, and that the Cap’n is the Surpriser instead of a Surprisee?  Don’t lecture me on the Spirit of the Season and thoughts that count and all of the other clichés that come to mind.  I realize that there are children starving in Third World countries and that me whining about this is like a teenager whose day life is destroyed by a pimple in the middle of her forehead big toe and it’s not even sandal season.

I get it.  Big Deal.

Apparently, I am not Nostradamus because:

A.  The Air Swimmer has not even come close to being sold out


2.  It is now cheaper than it was when I first bought it.

This means I will not be Craig’s Listing this rip-roaring redundant brand new toy.  And giving it to Dimples and the Cap’n anyway is not an option either because, way before Christmas rolls around (probably in the next week, I’m guessing), they are going to be sick of Air Swimmin’.

So, creative People – you got a suggestion?  Let me have it.

Air Swimmer Getting Tanked Up by Cap'n Firepants

Who Wants to Butcher the Balloon? I Do! I Do!



Posted on December 2, 2011, in Cap'n Firepants, Children, Dimples, Dogs, Family, Humor, Marriage, Parenting, Relationships, Wonderbutt and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 27 Comments.

  1. Bongo would love to help Wonderbutt take care of the extra Air Swimmer.

  2. I don’t have any suggestions – sorry! This comment is to say how much I love your blog and I hate sounding sycopaphantish but I DO love your blog and it makes my day!

  3. If you have already bought this ‘ere Air Swimmer, why not use Capt’n Firepants receipt, take your one back to Toys R Us and exchange it for the crayon box

  4. I am sorry to hear that Cap’n Firepants is unable to follow simple and explicit instructions. You should have known that men get very distracted in toy shops 🙂

    Perhaps you could get some more Air Swimmers and have a school of them swimming around 🙂

  5. Go for the rats. They are fantastic pets. Seriously. We have had many.

    • You would have to convice the Cap’n. As we have been spending two years trying to discourage said varmints from invading our attic and chewing through my automobile wires, he seems to have a slight prejudice against them.

  6. She and I love your blog (SHE calls it a laugh riot). We know you already received the Liebster Blog Award but we received it yesterday and wanted to be sure all our readers have a chance to laugh with yours! Here’s our link:

    • Thank you so much. And congratulations on your well-deserved award, Dante! I read your post, and deeply appreciate your kind words. I added you to my Liebster List on my award shelf page!

  7. Why cant people follow directions!! And they get mad when you tell them they did it wrong. I understand how mad you were. One year I was going to give Princess (my daughter) a barbie karoke for xmas when Marlins dad gave it to her first. So Marlin quickly just shoved it under the couch after she opened it . He was in hoping that she would forget. Of course that didnt happen!! PS I love the snow!!

  8. A giant Air Floater Cat to chase the Air Swimmer fish would provide everyone with minutes of family enjoyment!

  9. That has happened to me (although not with a big fish) – I was furious! I completely understand.

  10. apparently this big fish whatevertheheckitis was trending some time ago because hubby went to some conference in dallas a few weeks ago and came back with one. it was a freakin’ door prize….for adults. i question the conference and the door prizes, but regardless…i thought (and continue to think) it’s weird and scary. it is in our garage hanging out and whenever i go get something in the garage (which is not often because the garage itself is scary) this thing scares the crap out of me. so, maybe you were way ahead of the trend? you can imagine my shock when i saw this guy on your blog. and happy birthday to the birthday gal. ;o)

  11. writingandrecovering

    I can’t even come up with stuff that I want. I hope something wonderful pops into your head soon though. That is rather frustrating. I can feel your frustration, or maybe it’s just mine pretending to be in your situation.

  12. Your blog reminded me of the days when Disney and Nickelodeon were always on in my house. I had no idea that this giant blow up fish was the hot toy of the year.

  13. OH NO! no no say it ain’t so. I was so caught up in the surprise that I could not wait for the morning after pictures and post to come. Nowwwww… Hey give it to them on Christmas EVE.

  1. Pingback: December’s Dead Rubber Post « whatimeant2say

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